The Body Condition
To
be in harmony with the Oneness of things is
to be without anxiety about
imperfection.
Zen
Master Dogen
I have been thinking a lot about body conditioning. You
might think that I am referring to the many actions
that we take to bring the physical body to its optimal
state of performance. No, today I speak of something
closer to my heart. I am in awe of our cultural
conditioning and our conditional
acceptance of
the body as whole, functional, and perfect.
Last night, I stood in front of the mirror and
witnessed my ego lash out venemously at my body. All in
all, the winter months have been very good to me. I
have a beautiful and cozy new home, a loving
relationship of renewed balance, and a feeling of
contentment I have never known. And, I have gained
10-15 pounds.
Our new home has only a very small mirror in the
upstairs bathroom where I shower and primp each day. As
a result, I rarely see my full reflection naked. I have
certainly noticed the shift in my activity level (a
common cycle for me in the cold months, while also a
function of some professional shifts). My clothes fit
differently, for sure. But I was, nevertheless, a bit
shocked when I stood on the bed to catch a glimpse of
my new fullness in the mirror above my dresser. Now I
don't mean to place value judgments. The truth is, I
really do see beauty in many different body shapes and
sizes in women all around me. So why is it that the
ruler against which I measure myself is so different?!
In 2001, I was miserable in my body. I had been
managing a restaurant 60 hours a week for far too long.
I was eating poorly, and had little to no physical
stamina. I was fed up, and hungry in the spirit. I left
my job and moved to Boulder, Colorado. It was there
that I stepped into my first Nia class. I was
completely hooked from the get-go. For over a year, I
did Nia every single day. I couldn't move enough. I
obtained my white belt, began teaching, and soon added
regular qigong and yoga practice to the mix. I was
suddenly addicted to movement and the flow of chi
through my body. I was a physical machine.
Naturally, my body changed dramatically. At the height
of this athletic phase in my development my body was
thin, taunt, and very strong. While this may have been
my initial aim, I was oddly unaffected by it. I just
wanted to move, plain and simple. The new shape my
movement took was just a convenient by-product. I took
it completely for granted. It was easy to rarely think
about it given that the conditions
for my
conditional body-love were more ideal at that time than
they had every been. My body condition was such that,
most of the time, I could conditionally accept it. No
problem.
It wasn't until I moved to Oregon that everything
changed. Over the past 4 years, life conditions have
gradually led to less to less movement. As the Coach in
me has become more activated, the Athlete has grown
disinterested. For months upon months, I forced myself
to teach Nia, even though I feel in my heart I have
outgrown it as a teaching practice. In mid-December of
2007, I finally left my regular teaching practice.
In the summer of 2006, when the hoop entered my life, I
experienced another burst of the physical. I rode the
wave of newness and performance for a time, yet the
hooping world - full of amazing individuals whom I
love! - is, quite simply, a unique culture that I don't
always resonate with as a lifestyle. I have yet to
fully find my place in it outside of the classroom.
Teaching Hoopdance has given me a new vehicle to
explore via the body, yet still, I am called to do it
less and less over time.
I am coming to accept that I am teacher above all else.
My mediums are likely to shift and change throughout my
life, that this I must allow. And so, my body condition
has changed with the seasons of my heart.
Ironically, at this new weight, I am more grounded and
stable than ever. Eating meat and honoring my body's
natural rhythms (no longer pushing it to its edge every
day) has been the greatest act of self-love. It has
occurred to me that perhaps my ego's
ideal body
shape is not that which my body and spirit responds to
best. At least at this moment in time. And my heart -
the mediator between body and mind - is meant to foster
the unity of self-acceptance.
I want to reiterate the recommended reading for July
2007, Radical
Acceptance by Tara Brach. I am
revisiting it now. It is a beautifully-crafted book
that teaches us how to embrace each moment in time
with love and gratitude. Read it again and again.
May your most important body condition be acceptance.
Namaste.